The Guide to Nonexistent Birds: an Ornithological Logic

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RED-THROATED GROUSE
A bird with a golden wing and a yellow shoulder is the red-throated grouse. They have mottled breasts and narrow crests. Red-throated grouses feed on seeds and some grubs in eastern estuaries. These flocking birds make their homes in natural cavities in trees filled out with branches. CALL: a melodic "tee-chi tee-chiKRAA". 
 
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COASTAL GROUSE
The coastal grouse is larger than the red-throated grouse, possessing a violet crest and brown wing. Both birds have  a yellow shoulder. Coastal grouses may often be found in southern beaches or in bushes. Their diet consists primarily of seeds, grubs, and berries. These birds make their homes in suspended structures woven from moss, wool, fabric, plant fluff, or string, with a few of their kind. CALL: a kind of "wee-chi wee-chiER". 
 
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GROANING EGRET
The groaning egret is a egret with a white neck and a gray beak. Most often, one can be distinguished by its striped breast and its' remarkable speckled shoulder. Groaning egrets sometimes reside in southern conifers or mountain tops where they usually subsist on brittlefish, lanternfish, and eelouts. These birds will congregate and gratefully eat if fed, with a few of their kind. CALL: a groaning that starts melodic and ends hoarse, which sounds like "er-tee". 
 
NORTHERN GROUSE
With a brown shoulder, the northern grouse is slightly larger than the coastal grouse. You are most likely to discover northern grouses in northern estuaries. There, they can often be seen eating seeds and some grubs. They can usually be distinguished by their speckled beaks and crests. These semi-solitary birds have been devastated by extensive hunting. CALL: a hoarse "kyik-pip chip". 
 
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YELLOW-BEAKED WOODPECKER
The yellow-beaked woodpecker is notable for its yellow beak and its violet shoulder. You are most likely to discover yellow-beaked woodpeckers in western beaches. There, they can occasionally be seen feeding on seeds and driftwood-feeding insects. These birds live with many of their kind. CALL: a singing that starts tuneful and ends abrasive, which resembles "kyik-kyik-ai kyik-kyik-aiKYIK". 
 
PRAIRIE GROUSE
The prairie grouse resembles the northern grouse but is smaller than it, possessing a yellow beak and brown wing. Its' conspicuous speckled shoulder most often lets you identify one. You are most likely to discover prairie grouses in northern treetops. There, they can often be found feeding on fruits and nuts. With a few of their kind, they will steal sandwiches. CALL: a sort of silent - first high then tuneful "kok-kyik kok kok-kyik". 
 
COMMON EGRET
The common egret is sometimes mistaken for the groaning egret and is slightly larger than it. The  common egret has a yellow beak and gray crest. Common egrets may often be found in northern swamps searching for catfish, bass, sunfish, and minnows. Usually, one can be identified by its mottled beak and its' conspicuous narrow shoulder. They thrive in towns. CALL: a "tee-ah". 
 
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UNCOMMON THRUSH
A bird with a gray breast and a brown head is the uncommon thrush. Typically, one can be distinguished by its speckled throat and its' notable oversized tail. Uncommon thrushs feed on insects and tubers in southern swamps. They travel long distances annualy to the same sites in the East in the winter, to raise their young. CALL: a high silent which resembles "PIPchip-rik PIPchip-rikRIK". 
 
CRIMSON-BREASTED GULL
The crimson-breasted gull is a gull with a yellow tail and a red beak. Crimson-breasted gulls can often be found around southern swamps or at times in southern undergrowth. These birds live in large congregations. CALL: a hoarse chattering which resembles "tee-ka-klip tee tee-ka-klip". 
 
BLUE-BREASTED EGRET
With a yellow crest, the blue-breasted egret is slightly smaller than the common egret. Their colors are completely different. Blue-breasted egrets can often be found eating freshwater fish in western pine stands, or now and then in bushes. They have lost the capacity for flight. CALL: a sort of tweeting - first melodic then abrasive "rik-chi-ou". 
 
BROWN-WINGED GROUSE
The brown-winged grouse is slightly smaller than the prairie grouse and is notable for its blue beak and brown tail. Brown-winged grouses can never be spotted eating seeds and some grubs in western estuaries, or now and then in undergrowth. They travel long distances annualy to the same sites in the North in the fall, to withstand the weather. CALL: a whistling that starts high and ends melodic, which sounds like "per-coo-ai kyik". 
 
MOUNTAIN WOODPECKER
The mountain woodpecker resembles the yellow-beaked woodpecker but is much larger than it, possessing a red breast and golden tail. Mountain woodpeckers feed on seeds and spiders in southern cliffsides. These birds live in flocks. CALL: a singing that starts tuneful and ends melodic, which might be transcribed "kyik-kok-oo kyik-kok-ooAH". 
 
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SOUTHERN ORIOLE
The southern oriole has a white shoulder and a blue crest. Southern orioles may often be found in southern swamps searching for insects and tubers. These semi-solitary birds fly high. CALL: a squawking that starts abrasive and ends hoarse, which resembles "ERchi-per-chip". 
 
SCREECHING VULTURE
A vulture with a red throat is the screeching vulture. You are most likely to discover screeching vultures in southern bushes. There, they can sometimes be found feeding on rabbits, mice, and gophers. With many of their kind, they live on human outskirts, sometimes venturing into ranches or roofs. CALL: a type of screeching - first tuneful then hoarse "TEEkok-kok-kraa kraa". 
 
GOLDEN-SHOULDERED GREBE
A grebe with a black wing is the golden-shouldered grebe. Usually, one can be told apart by its tufted wing and its' conspicuous speckled neck. Golden-shouldered grebes often reside in southern branches or undergrowth where they most often subsist on freshwater fish. These birds have lost the capacity for flight, with many of their kind. CALL: a type of singing - first melodic then hoarse "TEErik-ou-chip TEErik-ou-chipCOO". 
 
WHITE-CRESTED WOODPECKER
The white-crested woodpecker is sometimes incorrectly identified as the mountain woodpecker and is smaller than it. The  white-crested woodpecker has a red throat and golden head. White-crested woodpeckers can often be observed around eastern undergrowth or at times in eastern bushes. Their speckled breasts are conspicuous. These flocking birds are found around the homes of the coastal woodpecker. CALL: a "OOchip-per kyik OOchip-per". 
 
GRAY-BREASTED GROUSE
We know nothing about the gray-breasted grouse.
 
BLACK-TAILED EGRET
The black-tailed egret resembles the blue-breasted egret but is somewhat larger than it, possessing a brown shoulder and violet breast. Black-tailed egrets can often be found around southern estuaries or at times in southern undergrowth. They can typically be identified by their speckled heads and breasts. A bird living in large congregations, they live on human outskirts, sometimes venturing into ranches or golf courses. CALL: a abrasive "PIPkok-kok oo". 
 
EASTERN GULL
The eastern gull resembles the crimson-breasted gull but is much smaller than it, with a white wing and yellow head. One can be identified by its narrow breast and its' tufted crest. Eastern gulls may often be found in eastern beaches searching for crabs, mussels, and a variety of saltwater fish. They mate at the correct times with great theatrics and zeal. CALL: a "ERchip-kyik ERchip-kyikKLIP". 
 
MOUNTAIN THRUSH
With a violet wing, the mountain thrush is somewhat smaller than the uncommon thrush. Mountain thrushs can often be found around southern cliffsides or at times in southern bushes. Usually, one can be distinguished by its oversized throat and its' notable narrow head. These semi-solitary birds seek rising currents of wind to fly rapidly on. CALL: a tuneful tweeting which might be transcribed "coo-ah-chi kyik coo-ah-chi". 
 
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GOLDEN-TAILED THRUSH
The golden-tailed thrush is conspicuous for its red breast and its white throat. Golden-tailed thrushs feed on seeds and some grubs in southern estuaries. These birds live in large congregations. CALL: a sort of squawking - first low then melodic "klip-wee OUkraa-tee klip-wee OUkraa-teeOU". 
 
YELLOW-THROATED ORIOLE
A oriole with a black head is the yellow-throated oriole. You are most likely to discover yellow-throated orioles in eastern reeds. There, they can occasionally be found feeding on grubs and worms. In flocks, they are found around the homes of the forest vulture. CALL: a singing that starts low and ends high, which sounds like "er-chi kyik-ai-ai chip er-chi kyik-ai-ai". 
 
ARCTIC WOODPECKER
The arctic woodpecker is remarkable for its black neck and its white tail. Arctic woodpeckers often inhabit eastern tundra or mountain tops where they generally subsist on seeds and nuts. These semi-solitary birds make their homes in natural cavities in trees filled out with dead twigs and leaves. CALL: a low singing which sounds like "chip-kraa kok-kraa-coo". 
 
RED-BEAKED SWIFT
The red-beaked swift has a golden head and a red tail. You are most likely to discover red-beaked swifts in western undergrowth. There, they can sometimes be observed consuming seeds, worms, and berries. These birds live in pairs. CALL: a kind of "kyik-ka er-er-klip coo". 
 
VIOLET-SHOULDERED FALCON
A bird with a crimson head and a golden tail is the violet-shouldered falcon. Violet-shouldered falcons can often be found eating rabbits and small birds in eastern mountain tops, or now and then in conifers. These birds live in flocks. CALL: a squawking that starts abrasive and ends abrasive, which might be transcribed "coo-pip ah-ai-pip coo-pip ah-ai-pipCOO". 
 
GOLDEN-BEAKED THRUSH
The golden-beaked thrush resembles the mountain thrush but is as large as it, with a brown throat and brown tail. Golden-beaked thrushs can often be seen around northern undergrowth or at times in northern beaches. These birds travel without rest accross continents and over oceans North in the spring, to avoid predators, in large congregations. CALL: a kind of "ou-klip oo-chi oo ou-klip oo-chi". 
 
WHITE-NECKED GULL
The white-necked gull is as large as the eastern gull, and has a yellow crest and golden shoulder. They have tufted wings and oversized heads. White-necked gulls sometimes reside in eastern rivers or bushes where they usually subsist on freshwater fish. A bird living individually or in small groups, they travel short distances to better nesting grounds further North in the fall, to withstand the weather. CALL: a hoarse groaning which resembles "pip-kok ou-ka". 
 
RIVER EGRET
The river egret is sometimes mistaken for the black-tailed egret and is much smaller than it. The  river egret has a brown tail and golden throat. River egrets sometimes live in eastern lakes or rivers where they usually subsist on trout and other freshwater fish. These birds live singley. CALL: a type of "chip-ka ai-ou kraa". 
 
GOLDEN-TAILED GROUSE
The golden-tailed grouse resembles the gray-breasted grouse but is slightly smaller than it, possessing a black head and black shoulder. They can typically be told apart by their mottled throats and necks. Golden-tailed grouses can often be observed eating seeds and nuts in northern mountain tops, or now and then in conifers. In large congregations, they travel long distances annualy to the same sites in the East in the winter, to raise their young. CALL: a sort of singing - first low then hoarse "kyik-chi kraa-per kyik-chi kraa-perPER". 
 
COMMON WOODPECKER
The common woodpecker is sometimes incorrectly identified as the white-crested woodpecker and is slightly larger than it. The  common woodpecker has a brown neck and brown shoulder. Their colors are completely different. You are most likely to discover common woodpeckers in eastern treetops. There, they can often be spotted feeding on fruits and nuts. These birds live individually or in small groups. CALL: a "KAklip-chip-kok oo KAklip-chip-kok". 
 
CRIMSON-TAILED GREBE
With a black beak, the crimson-tailed grebe is somewhat smaller than the golden-shouldered grebe. Crimson-tailed grebes may often be found in eastern estuaries searching for smelt, bass, and snappers. Their striped beaks are notable. These birds live with many of their kind. CALL: a kind of "KApip-ah-coo". 
 
GOLDEN-BREASTED VULTURE
The golden-breasted vulture is slightly larger than the screeching vulture and is notable for its yellow neck and white throat. You are most likely to discover golden-breasted vultures in northern swamps. There, they can often be observed consuming amphibians and fish. Its' remarkable speckled neck generally lets you identify one. They only survive far from human populations. CALL: a hoarse tweeting which sounds like "AHper-klip-chip ka". 
 
ARCTIC ORIOLE
The arctic oriole is slightly larger than the southern oriole and is notable for its yellow beak and brown wing. Arctic orioles can often be found around northern mountain tops or at times in northern tundra. Its' notable striped wing most often lets you identify one. They travel reasonable distances North in the spring, to avoid predators. CALL: a singing that starts tuneful and ends hoarse, which might be transcribed "CHIPrik-ou-ka CHIPrik-ou-kaCHIP".