The Guide to Nonexistent Birds: an Ornithological Logic

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BLACK-BEAKED EGRET
The black-beaked egret is remarkable for its yellow head and its yellow shoulder. One can be identified by its tufted head and its' mottled breast. Black-beaked egrets may sometimes be found in northern conifers or in tundra. Their diet consists primarily of salmon and mackerel. A bird living in large congregations, they travel around a pond, across a field, or to the other side of a mountain to the South in the winter, to find food. CALL: a type of "pip-ah pip-ahTEE". 
 
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FOREST EGRET
The forest egret resembles the black-beaked egret but is slightly larger than it, with a golden head and golden neck. Forest egrets may occasionally be observed in northern treetops searching for freshwater fish. A bird living in solitude, they make their homes in suspended structures woven from moss, wool, fabric, plant fluff, or string. CALL: a "kok-er kok-erCHI". 
 
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COASTAL GREBE
A bird with a red throat and a golden tail is the coastal grebe. They have mottled shoulders and striped beaks. You are most likely to discover coastal grebes in southern beaches. There, they can often be seen feeding on crabs, mussels, and a variety of saltwater fish. These solitary birds mate at the correct times with great theatrics and zeal. CALL: a hoarse "wee-ai". 
 
MOUNTAIN EGRET
The mountain egret resembles the forest egret but is as large as it, with a yellow head and brown beak. Both birds have  a golden crest. Mountain egrets often live in northern cliffsides or pine stands where they most often subsist on freshwater fish. With a few of their kind, they are a brood parasite, leaving their eggs in nests of the gray-beaked grebe rather than raising their own young. CALL: a abrasive "chip-per ka". 
 
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RED-NECKED FLYCATCHER
A flycatcher with a red wing is the red-necked flycatcher. Generally, one can be distinguished by its oversized wing and its' notable striped head. Red-necked flycatchers may occasionally be found in western rivers searching for seeds, berries, and snails. These birds live with many of their kind. CALL: a type of singing - first tuneful then abrasive "kok-kyik-ou kok-kyik-ouWEE". 
 
BROWN-NECKED EGRET
With a violet crest, the brown-necked egret is much smaller than the mountain egret. Brown-necked egrets sometimes occupy eastern estuaries or undergrowth where they generally subsist on freshwater fish. They can typically be told apart by their speckled throats and crests. These birds live in flocks. CALL: a "ah-ka per ah-ka". 
 
WESTERN GREBE
The western grebe resembles the coastal grebe but is much smaller than it, possessing a yellow head and red crest. Western grebes may sometimes be found in western undergrowth or in swamps. Their diet consists primarily of catfish, bass, sunfish, and minnows. They have striped heads and oversized shoulders. These birds seek rising currents of wind to fly high on, singley. CALL: a squawking that starts melodic and ends abrasive, which resembles "oo-ou". 
 
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SINGING SWALLOW
The singing swallow is a swallow with a crimson shoulder and a black throat. Singing swallows can sometimes be seen eating seeds, grubs, and berries in western bushes, or now and then in rivers. They seem to to do nothing at all. CALL: a type of "RIKper-chip RIKper-chipKLIP". 
 
WESTERN FLYCATCHER
The western flycatcher is a flycatcher with a brown tail and a brown crest. Its' notable narrow head usually lets you identify one. Western flycatchers feed on fruits and nuts in western branches. A bird living in large congregations, they often stand around groups of uncommon orioles. CALL: a tuneful "ah-ai-ah kraa ah-ai-ah". 
 
SQUAWKING GREBE
The squawking grebe resembles the western grebe but is as large as it, with a black wing and golden head. Squawking grebes may sometimes be seen in northern swamps or in canopies. Their diet consists primarily of trout, flounder, and perch. They have tufted heads and speckled breasts. A bird living in pairs, they seek vorticial currents of wind to fly high on. CALL: a kind of "er-per-ou". 
 
EASTERN EGRET
With a blue head, the eastern egret is larger than the brown-necked egret. Both birds have  a red breast and a brown neck. Eastern egrets may often be seen in eastern shrubbery searching for freshwater fish. These birds thrive in towns, singley. CALL: a sort of screeching - first tuneful then abrasive "ah-chip-coo rik". 
 
WHITE-TAILED FLYCATCHER
The white-tailed flycatcher is much larger than the red-necked flycatcher, possessing a white tail and red shoulder. White-tailed flycatchers may often be spotted in southern mountain tops searching for seeds and nuts. These flocking birds often stand around groups of yellow-headed barbets. CALL: a singing that starts tuneful and ends melodic, which resembles "chip-er-oo chip-er-ooWEE". 
 
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CRIMSON-WINGED HAWK
A hawk with a golden head is the crimson-winged hawk. Crimson-winged hawks can often be found around southern bushes or at times in southern cliffsides. In flocks, they make their homes in flat platforms composed of dead twigs and leaves. CALL: a "PIPkyik-per-oo". 
 
COASTAL THRUSH
The coastal thrush is a thrush with a golden throat and a brown beak. Typically, one can be identified by its tufted wing and its' remarkable tufted shoulder. Coastal thrushs may sometimes be found in eastern undergrowth or in beaches. Their diet consists primarily of seeds and driftwood-feeding insects. They travel around a pond, across a field, or to the other side of a mountain to the South in the fall, to perish. CALL: a melodic "PIPkyik-ka-tee klip". 
 
ARCTIC COOT
The arctic coot is notable for its crimson wing and its brown shoulder. Arctic coots may often be seen in southern tundra searching for salmon and mackerel. In solitude, they are found around the homes of the black-crested flycatcher. CALL: a chattering that starts high and ends high, which resembles "ERcoo-rik-klip ERcoo-rik-klipCHI". 
 
BROWN-HEADED FLYCATCHER
The brown-headed flycatcher is as large as the white-tailed flycatcher, and has a brown head and yellow tail. You are most likely to discover brown-headed flycatchers in southern swamps. There, they can often be spotted eating insects and tubers. A bird living in large congregations, they mate at the correct times with great theatrics and zeal. CALL: a high screeching which might be transcribed "CHIPkraa-ou ah CHIPkraa-ou". 
 
NORTHERN EGRET
The northern egret is sometimes mistaken for the eastern egret and is slightly smaller than it. The  northern egret has a black shoulder and yellow tail. Northern egrets feed on salmon and mackerel in northern tundra. Usually, one can be identified by its oversized beak and its' remarkable narrow head. In pairs, they thrive in towns. CALL: a hoarse "ERka-ka". 
 
WHITE-THROATED GREBE
The white-throated grebe is larger than the squawking grebe and is notable for its golden wing and white breast. Generally, one can be told apart by its narrow tail and its' remarkable speckled shoulder. White-throated grebes can often be found eating brittlefish, lanternfish, and eelouts in western mountain tops, or now and then in conifers. These flocking birds travel long distances annualy to the same sites in the East in the winter, to raise their young. CALL: a sort of squawking - first abrasive then tuneful "RIKper-ka pip". 
 
MOUNTAIN FLYCATCHER
The mountain flycatcher resembles the western flycatcher but is larger than it, possessing a crimson beak and red throat. Mountain flycatchers may often be found in southern pine stands searching for pine cones and small insects. One can be identified by its tufted beak and its' striped wing. These birds live in flocks. CALL: a low "KOKpip-ah KOKpip-ahKOK". 
 
PRAIRIE SWALLOW
The prairie swallow is larger than the singing swallow and is notable for its golden crest and brown breast. Prairie swallows may often be found in northern shrubbery or in treetops. Their diet consists primarily of fruits and nuts. These semi-solitary birds travel reasonable distances South in the winter, to find food. CALL: a screeching that starts low and ends melodic, which resembles "tee-oo-pip ou tee-oo-pip". 
 
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COMMON BRUSH-TURKEY
The common brush-turkey has a brown crest and a blue tail. One can be identified by its oversized shoulder and its' tufted tail. Common brush-turkeys may often be spotted in southern bushes or in pine stands. Their diet consists primarily of pine cones and small insects. A bird living in flocks, they mate at the correct times with great theatrics and zeal. CALL: a "pip-wee RIKkraa-rik pip-wee RIKkraa-rikPER". 
 
BROWN-HEADED GULL
A bird with a brown wing and a white tail is the brown-headed gull. They can generally be distinguished by their striped necks and wings. You are most likely to discover brown-headed gulls in southern bushes. There, they can often be spotted feeding on freshwater fish. They have lost the capacity for flight. CALL: a kind of "tee-coo ah-pip-kok tee tee-coo ah-pip-kok". 
 
NORTHERN EAGLE
The northern eagle is notable for its brown throat and its yellow wing. Generally, one can be identified by its oversized tail and its' remarkable narrow shoulder. Northern eagles may sometimes be observed in northern conifers or in mountain tops. Their diet consists primarily of rabbits and small birds. In pairs, they make their homes in natural cavities in trees filled out with dead twigs and leaves. CALL: a chattering that starts abrasive and ends melodic, which resembles "ou-kraa chi-ka-kok". 
 
BLACK-BEAKED ALBATROSS
The black-beaked albatross has a red head and a black beak. Black-beaked albatrosss sometimes reside in western treetops or lakes where they usually subsist on berries and aquatic insects. These birds live with many of their kind. CALL: a melodic whistling which might be transcribed "ai-kyik tee-rik-per ah". 
 
YELLOW-TAILED FLYCATCHER
A flycatcher with a yellow beak is the yellow-tailed flycatcher. Typically, one can be told apart by its speckled breast and its' conspicuous narrow shoulder. Yellow-tailed flycatchers can occasionally be found eating seeds, berries, and snails in eastern rivers, or now and then in reeds. They mate at the correct times with great theatrics and zeal. CALL: a hoarse "kok-kok rik-pip-wee kok-kok rik-pip-weeRIK". 
 
RED-NECKED SWALLOW
The red-necked swallow resembles the prairie swallow but is slightly smaller than it, and has a white head and black crest. Red-necked swallows often occupy northern tundra or conifers where they usually subsist on nuts, seeds, and beetles. These flocking birds seek vorticial currents of wind to fly rapidly on. CALL: a tuneful "wee-kok chi-kraa tee wee-kok chi-kraa". 
 
NORTHERN FLYCATCHER
The northern flycatcher is sometimes incorrectly identified as the mountain flycatcher and is much smaller than it. The  northern flycatcher has a red shoulder and black wing. Its' remarkable speckled crest generally lets you identify one. Northern flycatchers occasionally reside in northern undergrowth or branches where they generally subsist on fruits and nuts. In flocks, they collect bright trinkets found in the dirt. CALL: a type of "kok-er er-er". 
 
WHITE-BEAKED GREBE
The white-beaked grebe is much smaller than the white-throated grebe and is notable for its blue shoulder and yellow crest. Both birds have  a red head. White-beaked grebes occasionally reside in southern treetops or lakes where they most often subsist on berries and aquatic insects. These birds live in flocks. CALL: a melodic whistling which resembles "rik-ah kyik-ai chi". 
 
VIOLET-TAILED EGRET
The violet-tailed egret is slightly smaller than the northern egret, possessing a red beak and golden crest. They can generally be identified by their oversized tails and wings. Violet-tailed egrets often occupy northern canopies or swamps where they usually subsist on catfish, bass, sunfish, and minnows. They make their homes in depressions in the ground covered over by moss, wool, fabric, plant fluff, or string. CALL: a hoarse whistling which resembles "coo-klip er-kok coo-klip er-kokCHIP". 
 
UNCOMMON FLYCATCHER
The uncommon flycatcher is sometimes incorrectly identified as the brown-headed flycatcher and is much smaller than it. The  uncommon flycatcher has a red crest and blue tail. Their colors are completely different. Uncommon flycatchers can sometimes be seen eating fruits and nuts in western treetops, or now and then in lakes. A bird living in flocks, they fly zigzaggingly. CALL: a low singing which sounds like "AHer-chi-coo ka AHer-chi-coo". 
 
MOUNTAIN COOT
With a crimson wing, the mountain coot is somewhat smaller than the arctic coot. Mountain coots can sometimes be found around eastern bushes or at times in eastern pine stands. These birds live in solitude. CALL: a screeching that starts tuneful and ends low, which resembles "PIPah-pip-kok". 
 
COMMON THRUSH
We know nothing about the common thrush.
 
BLUE-BREASTED HAWK
The blue-breasted hawk is slightly larger than the crimson-winged hawk, possessing a yellow tail and blue breast. They can usually be distinguished by their oversized crests and breasts. Blue-breasted hawks may often be spotted in northern rivers searching for fresh-water fish. A bird living in flocks, they seem to to do nothing at all. CALL: a sort of whistling - first melodic then hoarse "COOklip-rik-klip COOklip-rik-klipAI".