The Guide to Nonexistent Birds: an Ornithological Logic

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WHITE-WINGED GULL
The white-winged gull is notable for its yellow tail and its red head. They have speckled throats and striped breasts. White-winged gulls can often be seen eating trout, flounder, and perch in western canopies, or now and then in undergrowth. These semi-solitary birds fly low. CALL: a "er-ou er-ouCHIP". 
 
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BLUE-CRESTED GULL
With a brown tail, the blue-crested gull is somewhat smaller than the white-winged gull. Its' conspicuous tufted head generally lets you identify one. Blue-crested gulls often reside in eastern bushes or beaches where they typically subsist on crabs, mussels, and a variety of saltwater fish. A bird living in pairs, they travel long distances annualy to the same sites in the West in the winter, to find food. CALL: a kind of chattering - first abrasive then hoarse "per-pip per-pipTEE". 
 
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GRAY-BREASTED GULL
One kind of gull is the gray-breasted gull, a bird conspicuous for its red crest and gray breast. They can most often be told apart by their speckled heads and shoulders. Gray-breasted gulls can often be found eating brittlefish, lanternfish, and eelouts in eastern mountain tops, or now and then in tundra. In flocks, they live on human outskirts, sometimes venturing into ranches or lakesides. CALL: a "coo-wee". 
 
RIVER GULL
We know nothing about the river gull.
 
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RED-TAILED COOT
One kind of coot is the red-tailed coot, a bird remarkable for its yellow throat and red tail. They can usually be distinguished by their tufted throats and shoulders. You are most likely to discover red-tailed coots in eastern bushes. There, they can often be seen feeding on freshwater fish. These birds live individually or in small groups. CALL: a tuneful "per-kok-chi per-kok-chiKRAA". 
 
COASTAL GULL
The coastal gull is sometimes incorrectly identified as the river gull and is larger than it. The  coastal gull has a yellow shoulder and black breast. Coastal gulls can often be spotted around northern undergrowth or at times in northern bushes. These birds live in solitude. CALL: a melodic chattering which resembles "kraa-wee ai kraa-wee". 
 
COMMON GULL
The common gull resembles the gray-breasted gull but is somewhat larger than it, with a red wing and yellow neck. Common gulls can often be observed eating trout, flounder, and perch in western canopies, or now and then in swamps. A bird living in solitude, they mate at the correct times with great theatrics and zeal. CALL: a kind of "per-chip". 
 
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COASTAL THRUSH
The coastal thrush has a violet shoulder and a black head. They have mottled tails and striped crests. Coastal thrushs can often be spotted eating seeds and some grubs in eastern estuaries, or now and then in undergrowth. These birds live in pairs. CALL: a low "WEEklip-kyik WEEklip-kyikAI". 
 
RED-TAILED WOODPECKER
The red-tailed woodpecker is a woodpecker with a red beak and a black wing. Red-tailed woodpeckers can often be found eating seeds, grubs, and berries in southern bushes, or now and then in undergrowth. A bird living in large congregations, they make their homes in tall and loosely built nests of dead twigs and leaves. CALL: a "wee-pip-kok tee wee-pip-kok". 
 
NORTHERN GULL
The northern gull is slightly smaller than the common gull, and has a golden shoulder and golden beak. Northern gulls can sometimes be spotted around northern reeds or at times in northern ponds. One can be distinguished by its striped wing and its' oversized head. These birds live in solitude. CALL: a tweeting that starts melodic and ends high, which resembles "oo-ka-wee". 
 
SINGING GULL
The singing gull is much smaller than the coastal gull, with a gray head and gray breast. They have striped heads and tufted throats. Singing gulls can often be seen eating freshwater fish in western pine stands, or now and then in bushes. They make their homes in tall and loosely built nests of branches. CALL: a "ou-er-rik klip". 
 
SOUTHERN COOT
The southern coot resembles the red-tailed coot but is smaller than it, possessing a yellow neck and brown shoulder. Both birds have  a brown shoulder. Southern coots may often be found in southern undergrowth or in beaches. Their diet consists primarily of crabs, mussels, and a variety of saltwater fish. These solitary birds will steal sandwiches. CALL: a abrasive squawking which might be transcribed "wee-ka-kyik wee-ka-kyikKRAA". 
 
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BROWN-WINGED ORIOLE
The brown-winged oriole is conspicuous for its gray beak and its red head. They have mottled tails and tufted throats. Brown-winged orioles can often be found eating seeds, grubs, and berries in western bushes, or now and then in branches. A bird living in flocks, they are very shy birds, almost impossible to approach. CALL: a high "KLIPwee-ai-ou". 
 
GOLDEN-BREASTED DUCK
The golden-breasted duck has a black throat and a yellow wing. They have oversized breasts and narrow heads. Golden-breasted ducks feed on freshwater fish in northern treetops. A bird living in flocks, they make their homes in flat platforms composed of branches. CALL: a kind of chattering - first tuneful then tuneful "PIPrik-oo-per kyik". 
 
WHITE-NECKED SWIFT
The white-necked swift has a white shoulder and a red tail. Their oversized crests are notable. White-necked swifts can often be spotted eating seeds, berries, and snails in western rivers, or now and then in canopies. A bird living in flocks, they live on human outskirts, sometimes venturing into farmland or beaches. CALL: a low squawking which sounds like "KLIPwee-kok-ai KLIPwee-kok-aiPER". 
 
SOUTHERN COOT
We know nothing about the southern coot.
 
EASTERN GULL
The eastern gull resembles the singing gull but is slightly smaller than it, and has a red throat and golden tail. Their narrow tails are conspicuous. Eastern gulls can often be seen eating trout, salamander, and snails in eastern conifers, or now and then in tundra. These birds mate at the correct times with great theatrics and zeal, alone. CALL: a low squawking which sounds like "OUah-ah". 
 
CRIMSON-THROATED GULL
The crimson-throated gull is as large as the northern gull, and has a white crest and black tail. Crimson-throated gulls can often be spotted around northern estuaries or at times in northern undergrowth. A bird living with many of their kind, they are a brood parasite, leaving their eggs in nests of the white-breasted coot rather than raising their own young. CALL: a singing that starts hoarse and ends melodic, which sounds like "RIKpip-chi per". 
 
RED-CRESTED WOODPECKER
We know nothing about the red-crested woodpecker.
 
ARCTIC THRUSH
The arctic thrush is slightly larger than the coastal thrush and is notable for its brown shoulder and white tail. Both birds have  a golden wing and a black head and a golden crest. Arctic thrushs feed on nuts, seeds, and beetles in western conifers. A bird living alone, they have lost the capacity for flight. CALL: a type of squawking - first melodic then tuneful "tee-kok-ka coo tee-kok-ka". 
 
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WESTERN GULL
One kind of gull is the western gull, a bird remarkable for its golden wing and gray throat. They can generally be identified by their tufted breasts and crests. You are most likely to discover western gulls in western pine stands. There, they can never be seen consuming freshwater fish. These solitary birds thrive in suburbs. CALL: a "rik-ai KAai-ou rik-ai KAai-ouCOO". 
 
GOLDEN-TAILED GULL
The golden-tailed gull is a gull with a black wing and a violet crest. Generally, one can be told apart by its tufted tail and its' conspicuous oversized crest. Golden-tailed gulls can often be spotted around eastern treetops or at times in eastern shrubbery. In flocks, they have lost the capacity for flight. CALL: a type of singing - first high then melodic "oo-ah er-per-tee oo oo-ah er-per-tee". 
 
YELLOW-HEADED EAGLE
The yellow-headed eagle is a eagle with a black crest and a yellow head. Its' conspicuous speckled tail usually lets you identify one. Yellow-headed eagles can often be seen eating shorebirds in western beaches, or now and then in estuaries. A bird living with many of their kind, they travel long distances annualy to the same sites in the East in the spring, to avoid predators. CALL: a tuneful tweeting which sounds like "kok-ah chip-oo-kraa". 
 
BROWN-CRESTED GREBE
A grebe with a black wing is the brown-crested grebe. Their striped breasts are conspicuous. Brown-crested grebes may sometimes be found in northern conifers searching for trout, salamander, and snails. These flocking birds seek hot currents of wind to fly rapidly on. CALL: a "ou-ai ou-chi-pip kok". 
 
COMMON DUCK
A duck with a brown beak is the common duck. Typically, one can be told apart by its oversized crest and its' conspicuous mottled tail. Common ducks may often be found in northern estuaries or in bushes. Their diet consists primarily of freshwater fish. These solitary birds thrive in cities. CALL: a groaning that starts high and ends abrasive, which might be transcribed "rik-wee kyik-per-kraa rik-wee kyik-per-kraaWEE". 
 
NORTHERN THRUSH
We know nothing about the northern thrush.
 
WHISTLING WOODPECKER
The whistling woodpecker is as large as the red-crested woodpecker, and has a gray wing and yellow crest. Whistling woodpeckers can often be spotted eating seeds, grubs, and berries in western bushes, or now and then in beaches. They will congregate and gratefully eat if fed. CALL: a type of whistling - first low then abrasive "er-ka rik-ka". 
 
GOLDEN-THROATED GULL
The golden-throated gull is somewhat larger than the crimson-throated gull, with a golden crest and white head. Generally, one can be identified by its striped beak and its' notable tufted head. You are most likely to discover golden-throated gulls in southern undergrowth. There, they can often be spotted consuming freshwater fish. A bird living in flocks, they travel around a pond, across a field, or to the other side of a mountain to the South in the spring, to mate. CALL: a kind of "ah-ka per-coo ka". 
 
COMMON GULL
We know nothing about the common gull.
 
WESTERN COOT
With a yellow shoulder, the western coot is much larger than the southern coot. Both birds have  a yellow shoulder. Western coots may often be found in western undergrowth searching for freshwater fish. These birds live in solitude. CALL: a type of chattering - first tuneful then low "KLIPcoo-oo-er coo KLIPcoo-oo-er". 
 
COMMON SWIFT
The common swift is sometimes mistaken for the white-necked swift and is slightly smaller than it. The  common swift has a yellow breast and brown neck. Common swifts often occupy eastern bushes or undergrowth where they usually subsist on seeds, worms, and berries. Singley, they can always find their way home. CALL: a type of "PERka-rik-rik". 
 
COASTAL DUCK
The coastal duck is larger than the golden-breasted duck and is notable for its golden breast and crimson neck. They can usually be told apart by their oversized breasts and wings. Coastal ducks may never be observed in eastern estuaries searching for smelt, bass, and snappers. They make their homes in depressions in the ground covered over by branches. CALL: a hoarse whistling which resembles "RIKwee-chi-per wee". 
 
COMMON ORIOLE
A relative of the brown-winged oriole, the common oriole is much larger than it, and has a red head and red crest. Both birds have  a red head and a red crest. Common orioles can often be found around northern pine stands or at times in northern bushes. These birds make their homes in suspended structures woven from moss, wool, fabric, plant fluff, or string, singley. CALL: a hoarse "TEEtee-chi-tee TEEtee-chi-teeKLIP".