The Guide to Nonexistent Birds: an Ornithological Logic

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BLACK-BEAKED ORIOLE
A oriole with a gray neck is the black-beaked oriole. Black-beaked orioles can often be observed around western beaches or at times in western undergrowth. These birds live in flocks. CALL: a kind of "kyik-kraa kyik-kraaCOO". 
 
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BLACK-TAILED ORIOLE
A relative of the black-beaked oriole, the black-tailed oriole is slightly smaller than it, with a yellow head and brown neck. They have tufted throats and oversized crests. Black-tailed orioles often reside in southern undergrowth or rivers where they typically subsist on seeds, berries, and snails. A bird living in flocks, they make their homes in depressions in the ground covered over by dead twigs and leaves. CALL: a high "ou-coo ou-cooCHI". 
 
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BROWN-SHOULDERED GUINEAFOWL
The brown-shouldered guineafowl has a yellow beak and a gray head. Most often, one can be distinguished by its tufted beak and its' notable striped crest. Brown-shouldered guineafowls can occasionally be found around eastern bushes or at times in eastern lakes. These flocking birds make their homes in depressions in the ground covered over by branches. CALL: a high "klip-wee". 
 
YELLOW-SHOULDERED ORIOLE
We know nothing about the yellow-shouldered oriole.
 
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NORTHERN FLYCATCHER
A flycatcher with a red beak is the northern flycatcher. You are most likely to discover northern flycatchers in northern canopies. There, they can often be spotted feeding on nuts, beetles, and fruit. These flocking birds collect bright trinkets found in the dirt. CALL: a sort of "coo-kok-oo coo-kok-ooKRAA". 
 
SOUTHERN ORIOLE
The southern oriole is sometimes mistaken for the yellow-shouldered oriole and is larger than it. The  southern oriole has a yellow shoulder and black neck. You are most likely to discover southern orioles in southern reeds. There, they can often be found consuming grubs and worms. They can usually be told apart by their speckled heads and shoulders. These birds live with a few of their kind. CALL: a hoarse "pip-kraa kraa pip-kraa". 
 
PRAIRIE GUINEAFOWL
The prairie guineafowl is slightly larger than the brown-shouldered guineafowl and is notable for its blue throat and brown wing. Prairie guineafowls often inhabit eastern lakes or treetops where they generally subsist on fruits and nuts. They can most often be distinguished by their oversized wings and shoulders. A bird living in large congregations, they live on human outskirts, sometimes venturing into ranches or golf courses. CALL: a whistling that starts low and ends melodic, which resembles "wee-chi". 
 
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SOUTHERN FLYCATCHER
The southern flycatcher is conspicuous for its yellow crest and its blue beak. Its' notable striped head typically lets you identify one. Southern flycatchers may sometimes be spotted in southern lakes or in ponds. Their diet consists primarily of insects. In large congregations, they are found around the homes of the black-breasted woodpecker. CALL: a kind of groaning - first melodic then low "AIklip-er AIklip-erKRAA". 
 
NORTHERN WOODPECKER
One kind of woodpecker is the northern woodpecker, a bird conspicuous for its black neck and white wing. Most often, one can be told apart by its mottled tail and its' remarkable narrow breast. Northern woodpeckers can sometimes be observed eating fruits and nuts in northern treetops, or now and then in lakes. These birds live with many of their kind. CALL: a high squawking which sounds like "ah-ou-kraa kyik ah-ou-kraa". 
 
VIOLET-BEAKED GUINEAFOWL
The violet-beaked guineafowl is as large as the prairie guineafowl and is notable for its red wing and black neck. Its' remarkable speckled crest typically lets you identify one. Violet-beaked guineafowls often inhabit southern treetops or bushes where they typically subsist on seeds, grubs, and berries. A bird living in large congregations, they only survive far from human populations. CALL: a kind of "chi-ka-klip". 
 
BLACK-BEAKED ORIOLE
The black-beaked oriole is slightly smaller than the southern oriole, and has a yellow head and golden breast. One can be told apart by its striped breast and its' mottled wing. Black-beaked orioles occasionally live in eastern mountain tops or conifers where they most often subsist on nuts, seeds, and beetles. These birds will congregate and gratefully eat if fed, in large congregations. CALL: a type of chattering - first high then melodic "rik-coo-er oo". 
 
BLACK-TAILED FLYCATCHER
The black-tailed flycatcher is slightly smaller than the northern flycatcher, with a crimson crest and brown beak. Their colors are completely different. Black-tailed flycatchers often occupy western bushes or rivers where they usually subsist on seeds, berries, and snails. A bird living in flocks, they seem to to do nothing at all. CALL: a type of whistling - first melodic then melodic "er-chip-rik er-chip-rikKRAA". 
 
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VIOLET-THROATED GREBE
A grebe with a blue head is the violet-throated grebe. They have oversized beaks and narrow wings. Violet-throated grebes can often be found around southern lakes or at times in southern shrubbery. With many of their kind, they only survive far from human populations. CALL: a hoarse "RIKtee-pip-tee". 
 
WESTERN GREBE
One kind of grebe is the western grebe, a bird notable for its brown throat and white beak. You are most likely to discover western grebes in western branches. There, they can often be found eating freshwater fish. Alone, they seek rising currents of wind to fly high on. CALL: a high "AHkraa-pip-chi wee". 
 
EASTERN HAWK
A hawk with a red neck is the eastern hawk. Generally, one can be identified by its mottled breast and its' notable striped tail. Eastern hawks feed on fish, frogs, rodents, and lizards in eastern ponds. In solitude, they fly slowly. CALL: a hoarse "PIPai-chip-per PIPai-chip-perKLIP". 
 
ARCTIC FLYCATCHER
We know nothing about the arctic flycatcher.
 
COASTAL ORIOLE
We know nothing about the coastal oriole.
 
VIOLET-CRESTED GUINEAFOWL
The violet-crested guineafowl is much smaller than the violet-beaked guineafowl and is notable for its brown shoulder and red beak. Violet-crested guineafowls can often be found around western lakes or at times in western shrubbery. They have speckled breasts and striped tails. They are a brood parasite, leaving their eggs in nests of the coastal swift rather than raising their own young. CALL: a hoarse "PIPchip-coo tee". 
 
GRAY-THROATED WOODPECKER
The gray-throated woodpecker is slightly larger than the northern woodpecker, and has a violet crest and gray throat. Gray-throated woodpeckers feed on seeds and driftwood-feeding insects in western beaches. They have striped throats and speckled beaks. These flocking birds travel short distances to better nesting grounds further East in the spring, to avoid predators. CALL: a hoarse "KYIKkyik-ah KYIKkyik-ahKYIK". 
 
SOUTHERN FLYCATCHER
The southern flycatcher is sometimes mistaken for the southern flycatcher and is much larger than it. The  southern flycatcher has a crimson tail and gray beak. Their mottled beaks are conspicuous. Southern flycatchers feed on seeds, grubs, and berries in southern bushes. A bird living with many of their kind, they are found around the homes of the crimson-tailed guineafowl. CALL: a low "per-ah-ou ou per-ah-ou". 
 
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EASTERN ALBATROSS
A bird with a golden crest and a black wing is the eastern albatross. They have oversized tails and speckled breasts. You are most likely to discover eastern albatrosss in eastern beaches. There, they can often be observed consuming crabs, mussels, and a variety of saltwater fish. These birds are a brood parasite, leaving their eggs in nests of the black-breasted woodpecker rather than raising their own young, in pairs. CALL: a type of whistling - first hoarse then low "coo-pip AHwee-chi coo-pip AHwee-chiKRAA". 
 
CRIMSON-BEAKED TINAMOU
The crimson-beaked tinamou is notable for its brown crest and its crimson beak. They can usually be told apart by their narrow crests and shoulders. You are most likely to discover crimson-beaked tinamous in northern pine stands. There, they can often be seen consuming pine cones and small insects. These birds mate at the correct times with great theatrics and zeal, in flocks. CALL: a high "kraa-ka ou-wee-klip oo kraa-ka ou-wee-klip". 
 
NORTHERN HAWK
The northern hawk is a hawk with a gray beak and a golden neck. Northern hawks can often be found eating small birds in northern canopies, or now and then in swamps. In solitude, they fly zigzaggingly. CALL: a chattering that starts melodic and ends low, which sounds like "kok-pip kok-chi-kok". 
 
SCREECHING GREBE
The screeching grebe has a violet head and a red tail. They can usually be identified by their tufted necks and wings. Screeching grebes can often be found eating freshwater fish in southern undergrowth, or now and then in canopies. They mate at the correct times with great theatrics and zeal. CALL: a "kok-pip ka-chi-klip ah". 
 
BROWN-HEADED THRUSH
The brown-headed thrush is remarkable for its brown tail and its violet crest. Its' remarkable tufted beak most often lets you identify one. Brown-headed thrushs may often be seen in southern beaches or in bushes. Their diet consists primarily of seeds, grubs, and berries. These birds live in large congregations. CALL: a "rik-kok ou-wee-ah rik-kok ou-wee-ahKYIK". 
 
MOUNTAIN FLYCATCHER
The mountain flycatcher is sometimes incorrectly identified as the southern flycatcher and is somewhat smaller than it. The  mountain flycatcher has a white shoulder and brown wing. Both birds have  a white shoulder. Mountain flycatchers can often be spotted eating pine cones and small insects in western pine stands, or now and then in bushes. With many of their kind, they make their homes in depressions in the ground covered over by dead twigs and leaves. CALL: a singing that starts melodic and ends high, which might be transcribed "ah-chi kyik-chip ka ah-chi kyik-chip". 
 
WESTERN WOODPECKER
The western woodpecker is much smaller than the gray-throated woodpecker and is notable for its violet shoulder and red crest. They can usually be told apart by their speckled wings and beaks. Western woodpeckers can sometimes be spotted around western branches or at times in western treetops. In flocks, they are a brood parasite, leaving their eggs in nests of the southern swift rather than raising their own young. CALL: a "ou-rik kyik-ou". 
 
WESTERN GUINEAFOWL
With a yellow throat, the western guineafowl is somewhat smaller than the violet-crested guineafowl. Their speckled shoulders are conspicuous. You are most likely to discover western guineafowls in western bushes. There, they can occasionally be found eating seeds, grubs, and berries. These flocking birds live on human outskirts, sometimes venturing into farmland or onto telephone wires. CALL: a type of squawking - first high then tuneful "oo-pip ou-kok ou". 
 
BLACK-TAILED ORIOLE
With a crimson wing, the black-tailed oriole is slightly smaller than the coastal oriole. Typically, one can be distinguished by its speckled tail and its' notable speckled neck. Black-tailed orioles may often be found in western lakes searching for berries and aquatic insects. They make their homes in depressions in the ground covered over by dead twigs and leaves. CALL: a hoarse singing which might be transcribed "chi-chip er-kyik chi-chip er-kyikAH". 
 
TROPICAL FLYCATCHER
With a crimson shoulder, the tropical flycatcher is much larger than the arctic flycatcher. You are most likely to discover tropical flycatchers in southern canopies. There, they can occasionally be found feeding on nuts, beetles, and fruit. Its' remarkable narrow breast usually lets you identify one. These birds seek vorticial currents of wind to fly high on, in large congregations. CALL: a kind of "KRAAka-ka-chi chi KRAAka-ka-chi". 
 
CHATTERING HAWK
The chattering hawk is much smaller than the eastern hawk, with a red crest and yellow neck. Both birds have  a brown head. You are most likely to discover chattering hawks in southern undergrowth. There, they can often be observed feeding on rodents. These birds live in pairs. CALL: a hoarse "TEEpip-kok-er". 
 
RIVER GREBE
The river grebe is sometimes mistaken for the western grebe and is slightly smaller than it. The  river grebe has a golden wing and golden shoulder. One can be told apart by its oversized beak and its' oversized head. You are most likely to discover river grebes in northern lakes. There, they can sometimes be found consuming berries and aquatic insects. These solitary birds have lost the capacity for flight. CALL: a low singing which resembles "AIkyik-ka-wee pip". 
 
RIVER GREBE
With a blue breast, the river grebe is slightly larger than the violet-throated grebe. They can generally be distinguished by their mottled necks and beaks. River grebes can often be found around eastern bushes or at times in eastern lakes. They have lost the capacity for flight. CALL: a type of "OOoo-chip-ou OOoo-chip-ouCHIP".